Below are the 6 most recent journal entries recorded in memamamia's LiveJournal:

Saturday, April 15th, 2006
11:34 pm	Easter Memories It is 11:30pm, Easter Eve, and I am very much needing to finish sewing a few things for Maci and Lyndsey. I finished the vests and ties for Ryan and Devin - for the most part, I think they are cute. Anyway, I started thinking about what time it was and what I used to be doing on Easter Eve for many years. I would spend the evening coloring eggs with the kids. We would put the eggs back in their cartons and wait for morning to see what the Easter bunny would bring and where the eggs would be hidden. I don't remember when I started hiding the eggs the night before, but it became a tradition. The kids would wake up Sunday morning, hit their baskets to see how much chocolate was there and then start hunting eggs. So much fun to sit back and watch them - the easy to find ones were left for the littlest and the older ones had to hunt to find theirs. Sometimes I would be up until 2 and 3 in the morning getting baskets ready along with food preparations. I miss those days, well not really miss them because I would not go back nor would any of my kids - just feeling nostalgic and hoping my kids are enjoying this time as much as I did. Now my time is spent doing for the grandchildren and in a way I have more time to be creative and do for them things I did not do when mine were little. Enough reflecting - I have two shrugs to finish and it is almost midnight. I am still a procrastinator. Current Mood: nostalgic (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 1st, 2006
2:02 am	Looooooooping thoughts! Well, I have empathy tonight for Amy and Russ - I can't sleep, it is 2am and all I can think about is the discussion we had tonight at Russ/Misty's about property and who wants to do what with what. I am excited for all of them because I can see how all that was discussed could be done fairly easily and what it would mean to each of them. I think mama has an acre and a third but really not sure. BUT if the land was surveyed off to give the portion on the other side of the well (whatever the legal footage is required away from the well, I don't know) but take that width and carry it all the way to the back that would take in enough for them to put in an above ground pool. Then I got to thinking how low that area is and some dirt should be brought in but also if an area was dug out for the pool (it would sit better on packed dirt, no grass) and if it was about half as deep as the above ground pool that would be a protection for the lining of the pool and make it easier to get into. The area where the old house is could be cleaned off and would make a nice place for cleaning fish, or setting up lawn chairs and picnic table. It maybe possible to survey off 1/3 of an acre and that would leave mama a full acre for her property, which should be alright with my siblings. I don't know what the cost would be but I was thinking an account could be set up and each month a payment could go into this account and the money would go towards mama's funeral expenses. I know that sounds morbid but she does not have enough insurance to cover the expense and it is going to be up to her kids to pay the rest - this would help defray some of the costs and make it easier for russ and misty to afford to buy it. Then I start planning Amy and Curtis's property and how they could get the structure contracted out but the inside stuff could be done by family. Kenny could wire it, Bryan can hang sheet rock, all of us could pitch in to paint or do whatever. It is a lot cheaper to do it yourself as much as you can. If they get their house ready to sell and it sells quickly then they may have to live in an apartment for awhile. I don't know how long Joanne will stay there - if she moves anytime in the next year then they could have first choice to rent it - butI know Kenny will expect rent to be paid. He would cut some slack like a deposit etc but he intends to collect a monthly rent (or else his retirement money is going down the drain). In time - maybe 5 years or so (depends on mama) Kenny wants to live there. I don't mind down the road, but for now I want to stay here, but I could see us living there eventually. I don't think Deanna and Cory will ever live in Jacksonville and I don't know what Kurtis or Kevin will have in the future, but they will always have a home to come to or stay in no matter where we are. Kurtis wanted to eventually buy the Jammes Rd house but his career may not make that convenient until the time comes when we are no longer here, then he will have to work that out with his siblings. Well, I wonder what life will be like for all of us in 2 years - what changes will take place. Kurtis will be finished with school (sortof) and getting out into the real world to use his education, Deanna may be expecting her second child and having to relocate while Cory goes to law school, kevin may be newly married, Amy may be working on becoming a Diamond while moving into her new house, and Russell and Misty will invite us over for a cook-out around their pool celebrating his job promotion and Misty picking our brains for how to be an effective Relief Society Pres! Yes - change is exciting. Current Mood: awake Current Music: Dreamland Express - John Denver (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 18th, 2006
1:58 am	Reflections on Mama Time is an interesting phenomena, even though time constitutes a set number of seconds, minutes, hours etc., keeping a steady beat with the universe, it is amazing to feel as if time speeds up or stands still depending on our circumstances. When I think of how old I am and what has taken place over the past 37 years of marriage, it feels as if time has gone very fast to bring me to this point in my life. When I take specific incidences out of those years and remember what those experiences were like, I remember how I felt time could not move fast enough to get me out of the situation I was in. It is odd for me to look at where I am on my timeline. In reality I am almost two-thirds into my time on earth. If I live to be 88 then I have 32 years left and considering how quickly the past 37 years have gone by, I know my time is limited and that is also assuming I live to be 88. Statistically, I am not a good candidate for longevity. It is very realistic to imagine I may have 10 to 15 years left with the exception of an accident taking me tomorrow or whenever. I am reflecting so much on time passing mainly because I have watched what has taken place in a reasonably short period of time. Since this time last year, I have felt concern over mama’s health. She seemed to change and grow older very quickly. My concern was so great that I wrote letters to my siblings trying to make them aware of what I was seeing and involve them in assessing her needs. Around July I was able to talk her into seeing a doctor and having a physical. She agreed and for the most part she was in good health. Her tests did not show anything to be concerned about and with that positive information she seemed to perk up and feel better. Then she started having double vision, bad enough she gave up driving. That was a major blow to her, losing her independence. Even if she only went to bingo or the dollar store a few times a week, she always knew she could go anywhere she wanted if she wanted to. It was hard for her to lose that independence. She had been having back problems over the year, but in October it escalated to the point that she agreed to go back to the doctor. With the help of pain pills and patches she struggled thru but never really had more than have a few good days. December came and she spent most of the month getting worse. A few days before Christmas, she saw an eye specialist for the double vision that was getting much worse. His assessment was that she could have had a mini-stroke and the blood behind the eyes could be affecting her vision. If the double vision improved, then it was probably a stroke. Her double vision has improved. Her back and groin pain reached another all time high and she agreed to go back to the doctor this time agreeing to much stronger pain medication and having an MRI. The MRI did show some problems justifying her pain. The problems are that surgery is too high a risk at her age and pain medication has some very negative side affects. One of the side affects that she experienced is bowel problems. She had developed a severe impaction and struggled on her own for a few days with laxatives and fleet enemas but could not get complete relief. It wore her down terribly so Maria and I had to spend a Saturday with her doing all we could to bring her relief. My heart went out to her. How difficult it is to have to ask the ones you love to take care of such private problems. We tried to make her feel comfortable about it. Our discomfort was in knowing how it was causing her embarrassment, not in the actual deed. That experience really weakened her. She is really starting to show her age and infirmity. Walking with a cane, sleeping in her chair at the drop of a hat, repeating herself or not remembering if she had taken her pills all signs she is declining. The momentum seems to be picking up and her pain escalates again and on the weekend of March 4th she hurt so badly she considered going to the hospital. On Monday her doctor ordered a stronger pain medicine, Oxycontin (addicting she says – at 86 who cares?). It took almost two days before it had brought her pain down. She was so grateful for the relief, but you can still see the signs of stress and pain she has been under and on top of that she is beginning another bowel problem. She has been on stool softeners and laxatives but nothing is working as it should and by the following weekend she decides to take two laxatives and then spends three days dealing with severe cramping as well as either loss of control or needing to go but getting no results. She suffered so much and again is very weak. She did have an appointment on Tuesday with Dr. Kramarich, Pain Management, and he is going to do an epidural injection in the spine on March 21st and that brought her hope that there may be a light at the end of this dark tunnel. What worries me is that she has been in this dark tunnel for so long and endured so much that I am not sure just how far she will bounce back. I know I hope she will return to her energetic and vim and vinegar self, but reality tells me that person may never return in this life. Tonight (3/17) as I sat with her sharing some delicious chicken and dumplings (homemade!) I watched her movements and saw things I want to not see. The way she moved a napkin around not able to decide where to place it on the table (like there were many choices but there isn’t). Her hand hovers over the corner of the table and she is looking at the only real spot available but can’t seem to decide to put the napkin and drink there. Misty came over and sat with me in the kitchen and several times I leaned around the corner to ask her something and I told her Misty was there. She got up to go to the bathroom and saw Misty and spoke to her. When she came back from the bathroom and Misty had left, she asked me where everyone had gone. I told her only Misty had been there and she had just left. She insisted she had heard several voices including Amy and Robyn. I told her no that it was only me and Misty, no one else had been there. She looked at me like she didn’t believe me and that they had been there but didn’t want to come in to see her. I can see in her eyes confusion and a little fear. I think she is aware that changes are taking place. She is trusting us to help her and we tremble trying to figure out what to do. How do you help someone walk thru this stage of their life? How do you help someone you love face what you dread? How do you become the parent as they become the child? How do you let go? Love is so hard. I love her so much. In spite of all the times she has really pissed me off – yes she has. Sometimes she has been wrong in her advice or opinions. She has been stubborn, rude and prejudice. She has also willingly sacrificed so much, endured tremendous hardships, financial difficulties, personal injustices and so much more all for her family. Her mistakes were usually made in trying to do what she thought was right or best. In her later years, she has changed a lot and extended the right to make choices she didn’t necessarily agree with to her children and grandchildren, finally coming to realize that life is ours to live and we alone must face the consequences of our choices. She has tried to love us all unconditionally. I hope I have the strength to continue to be there for her. To bring quality of life to her in what is left of her earthly journey. It isn’t always easy and sometimes I have to put aside my own wants or needs to attend to hers. I try to do it with a gracious attitude knowing there will come a day when I will be grateful I did and I will weep wishing for one more day to take care of her. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 23rd, 2006
6:00 pm	Reflections I have cleaned up a few things around the computer and found a disk that I used for charting my diet that I started October 2003. I stayed with it pretty well for about 9 months and lost around 45-50 pounds. Somewhere in August a hurricane was heading our way and I remember how I excitedly went to the store and bought up "supplies" to have on hand during the storm. Along with the batteries, I bought 4 packs of ready to bake macadamia nut cookies. From that point on I went downhill - could not get back into the momentum that I had managed to hang onto for 9 months. When I left work in October 2005 I committed to using the time I would be out of work to "get control of things" weight being #1. I knew I may not be able to return to my previous employer and would need to be able to either get things going from home or apply elsewhere. Either way, I would need to present a reasonable first impression and I am quite certain being so overweight would count against me. Funny how discrimination comes in so many forms and yet people will protest loudly that they are not prejudice. Anyway, reality tells me I would not make it to a second interview. So, now I am back to looking at what direction I want to take and need to take to stop this self-destructive behavior - such a vicious cycle. Almost one year ago I purchased the 6 week body makeover (Michael Thurmond). Cost somewhere around $140 and I have yet to use it. I did put it together based on my body type but that was the extent of it. I spent last night reviewing what I need to do - it basically requires 6 'meals' a day with 1-2 oz protein and certain fruits or vegetables. It is high in fish then chicken and rarely red meat. Very limited use of fat - almost none and also no salt. It was interesting reading and the recipes or cooking techniques sounded appealing. So, that is what I am going to try starting Monday. I have to organize my menus and shop and I also want to prepare several days worth of food ahead of time. He indicated that was the major problem with people not succeeding - not having food on hand and ready to eat so they grab something they shouldn't have. I want to grill some tuna steaks - I heard they were good. Plus get some canned tuna and chicken and some fruits and veggies. The truth is if I don't start now I will keep putting it off and already we are two months into 2006. It scares me how fast time is passing and how much worse I am physically with my hips and knees taking a beating. So, I will get my psyche up to meet the demands ahead. I have been reading the 4th volume of the Work and Glory - such fantastic books. I think of the hardships the pioneers endured and how much time they spent just doing what it took to keep them alive - this has motivated me to get started. We have it so much easier and with taking this one day at a time maybe this time will bring the results I have been praying for. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 8th, 2006
11:01 pm	I purchased a CD on Monday from Circuit City. It is Randy Travis - for those of you that read this - yes Randy Travis. I really like his voice and some of his songs - cheezy or not. I have listened to this CD over and over and just love some of the songs. One is 'Diggin up Bones' about going thru all the left behind stuff after someone leaves and the memories that go with them, I think it is catchy. My favorites are On the Other Hand (referring to the wedding ring that is causing reconsideration to the 'other hand' which is moving towards an affair; Forever and Ever "I'm gonna love you forever and ever and ever and ever, amen", He Walked on Water - which about a greatgrandfather seen thru the eyes of the grtgrndson. Anyway, I have thoroughly enjoyed listening and burned two copies, one for the car and one for the computer so I am listening as I type. Some of his notes on "It's Just a Matter of Time" (an oldie)he has to go to some low notes and I just love it. He hits them perfectly and I can feel it my throat when he sings it - like I am trying to reach it too. Anyway, I have really enjoyed having this CD and may look for another one that has some of the songs of his that I like. He has a new gospel CD out - Time is passing faster than I can keep up with it and the thoughts about making changes is with me when I go to bed and when I wake up in the morning - it is just those hours inbetween that I seem to lose the idea. Enough said - I want to go back to volume 3 of Wrk and Glry and read some more - it is so good. Now Kenny is hooked, he is almost finished with the first volume and enjoying it and plans to take the 2nd back with him. Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: Heroes and Friends - R Travis (Comment on this)
Monday, February 6th, 2006
10:50 am	A New Beginning? I am glad last week is behind me. It started with being abruptly woken up with Kenny coming in around 7am (and me thinking he is on his way to work in Jesup) stating – “You’ve got to get up and take me to the emergency room, I am hurting so bad and I don’t know what is wrong.” So, I jump up and get ready and then go back to find him in bed wanting to sleep for a few hours. Around 10 am I go and tell him if he needs to go then we need to get going or else we will be in the ER forever. How prophetic! It was 11 hours before seeing a doctor. I brought along a book – thank goodness since all the waiting rooms had to offer were very worn and old magazines. I had started on the 2nd volume of the Work and the Glory and by that night was almost ¾ finished. It is extremely good and made me have so much more of an understanding of what it was like in the early days of the church and for pioneers in general. We take so much for granted. I have since finished that volume and have started on the 3rd and looking forward to reading all of them. Kenny started the 1st one and is a little better than half way through. Anyway, he spent 4 days in the hospital with diverticulitis and with an altered diet should be alright. He left to go back to Jesup last night and start to work today. While we were sitting in the ER room waiting to see a doctor, he asked me “How long do you want to live?” Well, that is a thought provoking question. I told him that depended on the quality of life and at this point in time with poor physical conditions as well as uncertain world conditions; I would not mind not living a long time. We continued to discuss the problems and he decided if we were to keep living it is better to live with as much quality of life as possible so he is now on the “straighten up and do right” soap box. I know he is right and I am glad he is doing what he needs to do, but no one wants to be forced to do something because someone is pushing, demanding or coercing. At least for me it makes me more rebellious and besides I am always the one wanting changes but nothing ever happens until he is ready so why can’t he see that the same thing goes for me? I will put some serious thought and prayer into it and pray for an attitude adjustment. Mama had a bad weekend – the pain meds are making her have bowel problems. Maria and I spent several hours with her and it was a rough morning. No need to say more. I can see her getting weaker. She needs lumbar surgery but is really to risky at her age so enduring on pain meds is the only alternative and they have side affects so she suffers. I can see how growing old is really preparation of acceptance of death. You get so tired of life, of all the things you can’t do anymore, of seeing the world going to hell with evil at every turn. You worry over everyone and have no way to make others see the dangers and concerns that you can see or that you have. All the loved ones that you haven’t seen in so many years start to dominate your thoughts and you begin to miss them and want to see them again. The longing for home, for peace and no pain, it begins to make the transition desirable then eagerly awaited. Well, I am not quite there yet, but I think mama is and letting her go gets easier when seeing it from her perspective. I spend too much time at this computer – so off to do something – and there is plenty of it. The time gets away from me and I find so many excuses to not do what needs to be done. Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: Back Home Again (J. Denver) (1 Comment |Comment on this)